I'm just an overachieving girl who likes feeling stressed and busy. Even though I know too many APs will break me down, I still take as many as I can. Even though I know applying to Wharton will require every ounce of the energy I have left, I'm still applying there. This is the challenging life of a first-born Chinese girl who is indoctrinated to be the best and is pressured to reach her saturation limit. Even when I feel like I can't go any further, I still keep going. Feeling depressed, having breakdowns, secretly crying in school. My life. My beautiful life which I cherish. My mother who is my spine. She picks me up when I cry, she makes charts and graphs and studies stats of colleges to paint me a vivid picture of the choices I have. My little Avi, who brightens my day everyday. My grandparents who love me more than they love themselves. I have a beautiful life, and I'm going to live every ounce of it.

I miss having Kaz to talk to. I miss having a father. I feel lonely. I have everything I want and need. I'm on a great path, doing great research, have great labmates, have a great boyfriend, have great family support from grandparents and mom. Studying the MCAT everyday like I should. School's good, personal life's good. God's good. But right now I feel lonely and down. I don't know what's going on.

I just want to go back in time and talk to Kaz on MSN or Audi or something. I miss him.

I don't know why but I'm feeling anxious. Anxiety is looking at your future from the wrong altitude. We're getting dinner at Zach's house tomorrow...with Zach, Elizabeth, Meredith, Matt and Houston. I don't know why but my stomach's sinking. I'm gonna pull myself together.

Hi Nova. It's been a while. I really should be sleeping since I needa wake up early to serve at church tomorrow, but thought I'd give a quick update. I got back from the John Hunter regatta today. It was exhausting.

I'm sorta dating Zach Shaver. He's in my chem class. We're talking...and I'd consider us a couple even though we haven't explicitly defined our relationship yet. We went on a walk on the cross-country trails on Friday before I left for the regatta. We held hands :D for like half the walk. It was so cute. We were going back and forth on "things you don't know about me" and when it was my turn I was finally like "I've never held a guy's hand before." He turned bright pink...and I continued with "Can I hold your hand? :D" and he turned pinker. It was adorable. It felt awk at first but slowly it felt natural.

I really like him. We complement each other so well. Ok I'm falling asleep there's much to say but idk I'm gonna sleep LOL.

edit: waitwait I reread this post and realized I didn't mention the Beckman scholarship. That's another huge update. I got it!!! It was a month-long process. I applied, 15 people applied apparently, 4 people got interviews, and I got it! So I'll be doing genetics research both Sophomore and Junior summers on campus and I'll be doing two independent research courses during Junior year. So it's an academic year and two summers of research with one professor. I'm one of two inaugural Beckman scholars at Davidson. Super super super exciting. I get paid $20k total to do research. 6.8k per summer, 4.2k during the school year, and 2.8k for travel (I have to attend two symposiums in Cali over the summer to present my work). Super exciting. I really wanna work with CRISPR, the new hot technology in genetics. It allows you to directly edit DNA. There's so much potential for genetic diseases and anti-aging and Parkinson's and a whole lot more with this type of gene editing. I read an article about how recently at Duke they were able to heal a mouse that suffered from muscle atrophy. What are the implications for genetic diseases?!

Honestly Kaz and cystic fibrosis kinda made me interested in Genetics. Full circle.

Oh and also, I ended up hooking up with Jake Perron last semester...the cute blond swimmer I mentioned in my last post? Yea that happened LOL. We just made out and he got to second base. He wanted to have sex but I was like no. Kissing's fine, but sex is special.

OH MY GOD. OIEJFA;SKLDJF;AOIWEJF;AOIEWJF;AOWIEJR;ASKDZXCJl I really like him but don't know what to do. The semester's almost coming to an end. I just need to keep my cool and push through finals.

Well hello there. It's been years. Months actually. I don't even remember the last time I posted in here LOL. I have 10 minutes to kill before dinner and don't wanna do work so I'll just give a update on my life.

So I'm a Sophomore at Davidson now. I'm taking Calc 1, Bio (Molecules Genes & Cells), Organic chemistry, and Arabic 201. I never thought I'd enjoy science, but I'm loving it. I never in a million years thought I'd be interested in becoming a doctor, but here I am, trudging along the pre-med route. I'm actually enjoying it a lot. I'm meeting a lot of smart and interesting people because of science and it's been awesome.

There's this really cute guy in my bio class named Jake. He's actually so nice LOL. It's his birthday today. I said happy birthday ;D He's really tall with really blonde hair. He's from Maine.

Anyways. Sara and Lee are my closest friends. They're basically the only people I hang out with. Oh and there's Nico, a Freshman in my orgo class. We spend a lot of time together in the library doing chemistry. I've grown distant from Helen and Rachel. We rarely see each other anymore and don't really care to make the time to hang out. It doesn't bother me much. Strangely.

Something that Has been bothering me lately is the feeling that I'm just going through the motions at Davidson. I don't really feel like I'm a part of the campus community. I guess I'm just not that involved. I mean I do Club Crew which used to take up a lot of my time, but recently I haven't rowed because my boat isn't going to the regatta so there's no real need to practice. Other than Crew I don't do much. I just study and make sure I get good grades. My mom keeps assuring me that's enough. That my "extracurricular" is working on myself. Working on bettering myself. Going to the gym, building my confidence, working on my academics, making myself a more attractive and charismatic person. I mean that's really encouraging and assuring, but at the same time I still worry.

I didn't think I wanted to travel abroad. But Sara and Lee are going, Ali's going, Lee's actually going for a year. The thought of all of my friends being away freaks me out. It gives me anxiety. So I thought what if I went too? Talked to mom about it. Totally supportive. We used to think since I'm pre-med it's easier/better to just take classes at Davidson. Now I'm thinking about going abroad for a full year LOL. Such 180. To Scotland or Australia or Oxford in England if I can get into the program.

Life's exciting. Everything's uncertain. Different decisions every day. Different outcomes. Whenever I think I've finally settled on something, it changes. Like I thought my gym/heath routine was set. But recently I've been eating whatever I want and have gained like 6 lbs LOL. It's not good but I forgive myself. Life's a journey. Once I get a 6-pack/look like Kayla life will be boring. The journey there is actually the fun part.

I've been trying to read John:15 at some point every day. It's Pastor Steven's challenge. It's the "Vine and the Branches" bible verse. I love it. Ok well I have a lot more to say but it's 6:28 pm and I agreed to eat dinner with Lee at 6:30. I should get going.

I don't think I've ever wanted to kiss someone so badly.

I don't know what's going on with me. I keep feeling like I don't belong here...at Davidson. It's strange because intuition says it should fit me, that I belong here, but my heart doesn't feel the same. I keep feeling like I'm right at the fringe of the ring, like I'm about to fall off and go to where I truly belong.

Mom says it's a blessing in disguise...that I'm not at Penn, the same old same old life. Davidson, 500 students, small, personal, North Carolina...it's an experience and a path to discovering myself. But I feel isolated, alone, and not understood. People keep reminding me that I've only been here for 2 weeks, but I don't know. I keep feeling like I'm at some camp and that I'm going home to Philly and NJ soon. I keep reminding myself that this is permanent for the next 4 years.

I looked into transfer applications for Wharton and Georgetown. Am I crazy? Davidson's paying 55k a year for me...I only contribute about 5k. That's crazy. Crazy. It's honestly such a perfect school. Everything I could possibly need is within my grasp - laundry's free, the gym's a 3 min walk away, the food's good, free tuition, small classes, beautiful campus. Why am I not grateful? Why do I feel the need to move closer to home? The fact that I'm a 10-hr drive away really turns me off. I constantly miss walking around Philly and knowing where everything is. Having friends.

I have friends here but no one close. Mom told me it's been 2 weeks...how can I have anyone close. Idk. What should I do Nova? I feel like I need to give Davidson more time. It'll grow on me. I'm already excited about possibly spending my Freshman summer in Jordan...to get fluent in Arabic. I'm already thinking ahead, so why am I also thinking about moving out?

It's also a dilemma b/c if I spend time on transfer applications, I'll have to let the offices know I'm thinking about it...and 2 of my closest professors since I need 2 recommendation letters. How the hell do I approach professors for that? The chances of me getting in is under 10% and probably close to 0 for Wharton...so should I ruin a good relationship by asking for a transfer recommendation?

Another thing that bothers me is how similar Davidson is to Haddonfield. Mom brainwashed me about mingling with Caucasians, how it'll boost my class. How only hanging out with minorities isn't good for me. So I was always convinced that the Davidson white small liberal arts environment was perfect for me, but now that I'm here and it's not just an idea, I feel the pains of transitioning into HMHS all over again. Except I guess it's not as bad as it would have been if I hadn't had the experience of transitioning into HMHS. If I had come to Davidson straight from Philly I'd be crushed by now. Actually, I wouldn't have ever come across Davidson if it weren't for HMHS.

Fuck, what is going on in my mind.

I'm leaving for Colorado on Monday. Then Cali and Texas. Honestly I'm dreading traveling. Part of me wants to go bc I know I have to keep moving, but part of me just wants to laze at home and enjoy what time I have left of summer. Of my gap year. 

I've been blogging so much lately, but not in this personal one. So I'm in Venice now and am heading to Florence in two days. Switzerland was amazing, Italy's been good...been missing home lately. The comforts of home, I should say. But I know that the moment I leave Europe I will miss all the experiences here, so I should just remember how good life treats me. :)

I don't know what's going on with me. I can't stop thinking about Jackie. She's my personal trainer...and she's 29 years old. 10 years older than me (almost...my bd is in 8 days). It's not really lust or anything like that...I think I just admire her physique. Ugh why are all the girls I'm ever attracted to really athletic and fit?? First Maria, then Taylor, now her.

This is the first time I've actually been Scared to blog about something like this. I know no one reads this and this is just for me...but it's almost scary to even think about it. Thinking that I might like her. But I don't. I just admire her hard work...her body.

I want to look like her. Or at least halfway. She might be too big/built for me LOL. I want her abs though.

UGH slkdjfaowiejsdozkxc idk. All I know is I get happy when we text and when she likes/comments on my instagram pics. Which only happened once, but whatevs.

The thing is I know nothing would ever happen. I don't want anything to happen. I just want to admire this one from a distance. I almost feel like it's dangerous.

I feel like I'm 99% into guys, and the 1% of girls that even peak my interest in that way are athletic/fit ones.

Sigh.

I had the best dream the other night. I dreamed that Jackie took me to this neighborhood to run. The area was pretty run down but it was beautiful for some reason. I don't really remember. We ran past Carter (random graduate from HMHS) and he said, "Hey Vivienne" and I responded, "Hey :)" and Jackie was like, "Is that how you deal with all the men who come up to you." And I just laughed and shrugged it off. I know that guys always go after her and she assumed the same about me.

Then we took a left and ran around a rectangular bend. There were gray railings to our right. It was so beautiful. I felt so free.

So I started my own health & fitness blog Here. I'm so proud of how beautiful it is. I just realized each of my blogs are beautiful and unique in its own way. This main personal diary, Nova, is pretty and pink. My travel blog is beautiful. My health & fitness blog is beautiful. It's like they each have their own personalities. ;D

Anyways, I'm obsessed with it. I keep going on it just to admire the photos and layout LOL. Mom's out working on real estate and I'm home, just chillin'. I really wanna work on my vision board but something keeps stopping me...like I'm either too tired to or don't wanna start. Like it's too big of a job and I just don't start. I will eventually get to it though. My amazon books just arrived...so excited. I'm gonna read some now.